I work for a great social networking site for moms: cafemom.com. I love my job and I love getting to know all the great women from around the country and the world.
I've met some really amazing moms. There is a mom that has 7 kids and is pregnant with her 8th and she's a year younger than me. I'm in awe that she seems so happy and enjoys her kids so much.
I also watch those multiple shows on TLC and of course the Duggars and I love those large families. Growing up I used to tell myself I wanted a large family. I'd take however many children God gave me and I'd be happy with them.
Then I got pregnant in November of 2001. I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait to feel my baby growing and meet my little one. And then the unthinkable happened. I miscarried at 11 weeks. I was devasted. We were told to wait 3 months before TTC again and I needed to get on a form of birth control until then. So I did. After the stroke of midnight on January 1 2003 I found out again that I was expecting. This time I didn't have the true joy that I did with my first one. How can you after experiencing such a huge loss just a year before?
August came and we welcomed our firstborn son into the world. The pregnancy and delivery were great and I really couldn't wait to do it all over again. 2 years later we conceived and again and in August of 2005 we welcomed our second son into the world. I swore after the exhaustion of a toddler and pregnancy then a newborn that I would not do it again.
As Levi grew older we started giving away all of our baby stuff. 2 years later I started to get baby fever. We were in the process of moving so we waited a little longer before TTC. We tried and tried and tried until February of this year when I got that BFP again. This time I knew from that moment I took the test that something wasn't right. My suspicions were confirmed and I ended up miscarrying on March 4. After 2 years of trying, our dream was crashed.
Here we are nearly 7 months later and we are still trying but with no success. I'm getting down, feeling like a failure. Feeling like maybe I will never get to feel that wonderful feel of the movement of a baby in by belly, to anticipate the due date and wondering what we'll have a boy or a girl.
I truly believe it's all in God's timing and it all will work out to His will. I'm trusting in Him that if I'm meant to have another one that it will happen. It's hard though. I often wonder if I say, ya know what God, if I say I will fully trust in your and fully trust that you will only allow me to have as many as you want me to have, I will never go on BC again that maybe, just maybe I will have another child and maybe many more. I'm not sure that my husband would go with me on that though. I also know that God doesn't bargain. I know that by my saying that it doesn't mean I'll conceive again.
So I sit here and try to give my trust to God and have faith that God really does know what he's doing. After all, had I not miscarried in March, I would be due soon and with everything with dh's work I know it would be really rough for him to get time off right now even just for the delivery. So I do see God working. I do see God's hand and I really do trust him.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Praying for Our Nation
On Monday, our church started our 40 days of Prayer and Fasting. Typically we read through a book during our fast but this year, we are doing something that is so much better, we are Praying for Our Nation.
Our church has been using the above song as our theme song during our Live Strong, Live Christ sermon series (Click here to listen). And while singing it this past Sunday, the words 'Our children now, will pay the price' really stuck out to me. It really will be our children who pay the price for those choices we make today.
So today, I am asking that you stand up beside me and thousands of others and pray for our nation. We have an election coming up in just over a month. It's an election that can change our country.
To find out more information on Praying for Our Nation and what it is we are praying for visit prayandact.com. Also, take a moment to read over the Manhattan Declaration and sign it.
This isn't just for today it's for our tomorrow, too.
Help us to fill the void in the heart of our nation with the only person who can fill it, God.
Our church has been using the above song as our theme song during our Live Strong, Live Christ sermon series (Click here to listen). And while singing it this past Sunday, the words 'Our children now, will pay the price' really stuck out to me. It really will be our children who pay the price for those choices we make today.
So today, I am asking that you stand up beside me and thousands of others and pray for our nation. We have an election coming up in just over a month. It's an election that can change our country.
To find out more information on Praying for Our Nation and what it is we are praying for visit prayandact.com. Also, take a moment to read over the Manhattan Declaration and sign it.
This isn't just for today it's for our tomorrow, too.
Help us to fill the void in the heart of our nation with the only person who can fill it, God.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
God's amazing hand.
Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, the phone rang, it was the alarm company, letting my husband know that the alarm was going off at the store. Usually these alarms are pretty routine. You give them the information they need, jump in the car, reset the alarm and come back home.
Last night was far from routine. I don't usually get nervous when the calls come in, not that it happens often but they do on occasion, but last night I laid worrying, so I prayed. Shortly after praying, D called to let me know that it was a real call and it looked like someone had tried to break in the store. About a half hour later, he called and said the guy was in the store, breaking into the jewelry cases. The last call to him was around 2, when he said he'd be there all night, the guy had died in the process of being arrested.
This morning, I called him as soon as I woke up to see how everything was going. You could tell he was still running on adrenaline but he sounded like he was in good spirits. He told me a bit more about the morning events and said he wouldn't be home until sometime this afternoon.
I am so proud of him. He is currently the only salaried manager in the store and he's stepping up to the plate, despite having hesitations on his ability to do so.
I love when I see God's hand working in our lives and see how he protects us.
I love you so much, my wonderful, amazing husband.
Last night was far from routine. I don't usually get nervous when the calls come in, not that it happens often but they do on occasion, but last night I laid worrying, so I prayed. Shortly after praying, D called to let me know that it was a real call and it looked like someone had tried to break in the store. About a half hour later, he called and said the guy was in the store, breaking into the jewelry cases. The last call to him was around 2, when he said he'd be there all night, the guy had died in the process of being arrested.
This morning, I called him as soon as I woke up to see how everything was going. You could tell he was still running on adrenaline but he sounded like he was in good spirits. He told me a bit more about the morning events and said he wouldn't be home until sometime this afternoon.
I am so proud of him. He is currently the only salaried manager in the store and he's stepping up to the plate, despite having hesitations on his ability to do so.
I love when I see God's hand working in our lives and see how he protects us.
I love you so much, my wonderful, amazing husband.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Schedules
I am known around my house for having a cranky temper, something I am not very proud of. Something that I crave to change. Something that I don't want my children to one day gain from me.
I work from home typically from 8-4 each day, except now that school has started, I need to pick up my kids so I work until 4:30 to ensure that I get all my hours in. Some days, I work longer because I have a lot on my plate. When I finish working, I typically get supper started, do dishes and ensure the kids homework is done, if they have any. They typically come home from school, have a snack and start working on their homework, if they have any. They are then allowed to play upstairs in their playroom. After dinner, we have outside time, if the weather is appropriate, then showers, dessert, reading time and finally bedtime at 8.
Things run really smoothly as long as we follow this 'schedule' fairly closely. Unfortunately, when you have a husband who works various hours and has days off during the week, following a schedule doesn't always work. Also, needing to go to the store in the middle of the week, doesn't help with the schedule either.
Yesterday, the schedule got messed up and oy, I had a slight issue. I had supper sitting out ready to go for hubby since he was off. He just needed to start the grill and get it on before I got done working. The boys both had homework, that needed done. They both worked on homework and daddy decided to take them for a bike ride, which would have been great, but no one cleaned up the mess from homework and supper needed started. We also had plans to go to my in laws after dinner and since it was a school night we needed to get going as soon as supper was over. This didn't leave a lot of 'spare' time. So I get done working and there is glitter, paper and toys everywhere, the kids are playing upstairs and my kitchen is a mess.
I need to break here and say, I love my husband dearly, I love what he does for us and I love that he helps out so much. I appreciate everything he does, even though some times it may not seem like it.
I kind of lost it and started yelling and boy did it look ugly from the sidelines.
After careful thinking after my slight meltdown, it hit me. If things aren't organized and on a schedule, I have a hard time focusing on the fun. I never thought of myself as an organized person or a scheduler, but even tonight after we had to make a trip to the grocery store, I realize if I veer from the 'norm' or the schedule, I feel like I don't have control. I can't focus and I lose it.
They say the first step is admitting there is an issue. Now I need to find a way to deal with all this without losing my temper. First stop, prayer.
I work from home typically from 8-4 each day, except now that school has started, I need to pick up my kids so I work until 4:30 to ensure that I get all my hours in. Some days, I work longer because I have a lot on my plate. When I finish working, I typically get supper started, do dishes and ensure the kids homework is done, if they have any. They typically come home from school, have a snack and start working on their homework, if they have any. They are then allowed to play upstairs in their playroom. After dinner, we have outside time, if the weather is appropriate, then showers, dessert, reading time and finally bedtime at 8.
Things run really smoothly as long as we follow this 'schedule' fairly closely. Unfortunately, when you have a husband who works various hours and has days off during the week, following a schedule doesn't always work. Also, needing to go to the store in the middle of the week, doesn't help with the schedule either.
Yesterday, the schedule got messed up and oy, I had a slight issue. I had supper sitting out ready to go for hubby since he was off. He just needed to start the grill and get it on before I got done working. The boys both had homework, that needed done. They both worked on homework and daddy decided to take them for a bike ride, which would have been great, but no one cleaned up the mess from homework and supper needed started. We also had plans to go to my in laws after dinner and since it was a school night we needed to get going as soon as supper was over. This didn't leave a lot of 'spare' time. So I get done working and there is glitter, paper and toys everywhere, the kids are playing upstairs and my kitchen is a mess.
I need to break here and say, I love my husband dearly, I love what he does for us and I love that he helps out so much. I appreciate everything he does, even though some times it may not seem like it.
I kind of lost it and started yelling and boy did it look ugly from the sidelines.
After careful thinking after my slight meltdown, it hit me. If things aren't organized and on a schedule, I have a hard time focusing on the fun. I never thought of myself as an organized person or a scheduler, but even tonight after we had to make a trip to the grocery store, I realize if I veer from the 'norm' or the schedule, I feel like I don't have control. I can't focus and I lose it.
They say the first step is admitting there is an issue. Now I need to find a way to deal with all this without losing my temper. First stop, prayer.
Monday, September 13, 2010
It's a date
Friday evening, my husband and I got to go on a date. It's the first one since our anniversary weekend when we were able to enjoy an overnight trip away from the boys. We didn't do much on Friday other than enjoy a nice dinner and a little window shopping preparing for Christmas.
Saturday afternoon my oldest son and I got to enjoy a date afternoon. We went to the mall, had lunch and shopped. He also got to go to Toys R Us to drool over the toys he just has to have. Going with him was so much fun. I also got some ideas for Christmas for him. I would like to take our youngest son on a date but he's more interested in going with daddy than he is me :(
Saturday afternoon my oldest son and I got to enjoy a date afternoon. We went to the mall, had lunch and shopped. He also got to go to Toys R Us to drool over the toys he just has to have. Going with him was so much fun. I also got some ideas for Christmas for him. I would like to take our youngest son on a date but he's more interested in going with daddy than he is me :(
Friday, September 10, 2010
9 years ago tomorrow
It's hard to believe that nine years ago tomorrow, a plane hit WTC1 and then a few minutes later another one hit WTC2 and then a few moments later another plane crashed into the Pentagon and then just a little time later a fourth plane went down in a field in Western Pennsylvania.
One horrible, horrible day changed the way we all view life in general.
I, as well as so many other people, remember vividly what we were doing when we heard about that first plane being used a bomb to kill so many.
I was working at Kmart in Hershey, PA as the department manager of infants, kids and menswear. I had moved a very tall ladder and knocked one of our infant signs off the ceiling, when one of my co-workers came up to me and told me that a plane flew into the WTC. I thought, hmm, how could you not see that huge building. It wasn't much later when I heard that another plane went into the other tower, then the pentagon and finally into a field in Shankesville PA. I remember at some point talking to my husband about it and then going to 'lunch' at 10 and calling my mom shortly after Tower 2 fell. I remember talking to my mom and watching Tower 1 falling and not realizing it was live TV I was watching because they had been rerunning Tower 2 falling so much. After that I remember living in a stunned state of mind, wondering why someone would be so evil to do something like this. I really feel this was my long road back to God.
I remember my parents saying how thankful they were that we no longer lived in NJ (minutes outside of NYC). I also remember how beautiful that skyline was when we had left Jersey for the last time in March of that year. I can't wait to visit again after the Freedom Tower is built. I hear that it has been making some great progress and there are actually several floors up already.
Here is a beautiful pic of the skyline I found online:
Here is a similar view from after
photo from imgs.sfgate.com
One horrible, horrible day changed the way we all view life in general.
I, as well as so many other people, remember vividly what we were doing when we heard about that first plane being used a bomb to kill so many.
I was working at Kmart in Hershey, PA as the department manager of infants, kids and menswear. I had moved a very tall ladder and knocked one of our infant signs off the ceiling, when one of my co-workers came up to me and told me that a plane flew into the WTC. I thought, hmm, how could you not see that huge building. It wasn't much later when I heard that another plane went into the other tower, then the pentagon and finally into a field in Shankesville PA. I remember at some point talking to my husband about it and then going to 'lunch' at 10 and calling my mom shortly after Tower 2 fell. I remember talking to my mom and watching Tower 1 falling and not realizing it was live TV I was watching because they had been rerunning Tower 2 falling so much. After that I remember living in a stunned state of mind, wondering why someone would be so evil to do something like this. I really feel this was my long road back to God.
I remember my parents saying how thankful they were that we no longer lived in NJ (minutes outside of NYC). I also remember how beautiful that skyline was when we had left Jersey for the last time in March of that year. I can't wait to visit again after the Freedom Tower is built. I hear that it has been making some great progress and there are actually several floors up already.
Here is a beautiful pic of the skyline I found online:
Aren't those towers beautiful?
Here is a similar view from after
And another one with the beautiful lights pointing to Heaven where the towers once stood
photo from imgs.sfgate.com
In Memory to all who gave their lives that day and those who are still giving their lives even now, 9 years later. Thank You!!!!
Old friends
Once upon a time, long, long ago, I was a member of a great site where I made lots of new friends. Ones that while I didn't know them in real life, I felt connected too. I shared many heartaches and happiness with them, both my own and theirs. Things happened and I no longer talk to many of them. I do have a friend who has kept in contact with a couple of them and she lets me know how they are doing.
Yesterday, I was looking through the blogs of these old friends. Some of them have kept up with theirs and I was able to read the happiness and heartaches that they are all facing. I wanted to comment on them to let them know I've been thinking of them or that I was praying for them but I wasn't sure how it would be taken. Needless to say many of the ties I had were broken under bad circumstances. While I don't hold grudges, I don't know that I'd care to be friends with some of them again. I don't think the friendships were the healthiest for me and it has been a relief not to have them. Though that's not to say I didn't shed a tear or two over losing these friends.
It's good to be able to 'lurk' and see how they are doing and to know how I can pray for them even if we aren't friends anymore.
Yesterday, I was looking through the blogs of these old friends. Some of them have kept up with theirs and I was able to read the happiness and heartaches that they are all facing. I wanted to comment on them to let them know I've been thinking of them or that I was praying for them but I wasn't sure how it would be taken. Needless to say many of the ties I had were broken under bad circumstances. While I don't hold grudges, I don't know that I'd care to be friends with some of them again. I don't think the friendships were the healthiest for me and it has been a relief not to have them. Though that's not to say I didn't shed a tear or two over losing these friends.
It's good to be able to 'lurk' and see how they are doing and to know how I can pray for them even if we aren't friends anymore.
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