Dear God,
This sucks. I hate this feeling. I hate that we've been trying for so long and all I get is heartache and failure. I hate that I feel so ungrateful for what you have given me. I hate feeling so low. I hate when I get my hopes up and they all come crashing down around me every month. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!!! And you know what? It sucks.
It seems so many around me are reveling in the joys of pregnancy. Every where I look there is a new announcement. They're all over the place at work. So many happy soon to be moms. They're all around me in real life. Soon to be moms with their bellies swelling, looking radiant and happy.
It sucks that I should be holding a baby right about now. My own little one. It sucks that my boys aren't big brothers. It sucks that they don't know the joy that other kids get to feel of seeing their baby brother or sister smiling up at them. It sucks that my baby was taken from me way too soon.
I know you have a plan for me God. I know there are reasons why things happen, why you took my baby from me so soon after giving him/her to me. I know there are plans for everything but I wanna know that plan. I wanna know if it will ever be my time to announce that we're expecting again.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure each month. I'm just tired God. I need you to let me know it's ok. I need to feel your reassuring touch around me. I wanna know what your will is for me, God. I wanna know, will I ever feel a baby growing in my belly. Will I ever get to feel the sweet kicks, the hiccups, the pains of my belly growing, the joy of being a soon to be mom again. Will I get to bring another child into this world to learn more about you and grow in you?
Should I just give up God? Should I just throw in the towel and realize it's not meant to be? What should I do God? I need your guidance.
I really do want to be happy with those around me who are expecting. There have been so many of them who have struggled to get pregnant, so many who have felt losses just like mine. I want to rejoice with them. I want to be truly happy for them and not just say Congrats with no meaning behind it.
I want to be able to look at a newborn baby and not feel my heart breaking in two because I feel my losses all over again. I want to be able to see a growing belly and not be jealous because mine is fat from fat and not because there is a little one growing in it.
God, I just wanna do your will. What you want me to do. Please show me the way, God. Show me where to go from here. Direct me. Love me. Carry me. Help me to continue to help those who face a loss each and every day. Help me to be a beacon of hope to those around me. Help me to live for you and to show you through what I do and say and write. Help others to see you in everything that I do.
Thank you God.
Amen
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Babies, pregnancies and families
I work for a great social networking site for moms: cafemom.com. I love my job and I love getting to know all the great women from around the country and the world.
I've met some really amazing moms. There is a mom that has 7 kids and is pregnant with her 8th and she's a year younger than me. I'm in awe that she seems so happy and enjoys her kids so much.
I also watch those multiple shows on TLC and of course the Duggars and I love those large families. Growing up I used to tell myself I wanted a large family. I'd take however many children God gave me and I'd be happy with them.
Then I got pregnant in November of 2001. I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait to feel my baby growing and meet my little one. And then the unthinkable happened. I miscarried at 11 weeks. I was devasted. We were told to wait 3 months before TTC again and I needed to get on a form of birth control until then. So I did. After the stroke of midnight on January 1 2003 I found out again that I was expecting. This time I didn't have the true joy that I did with my first one. How can you after experiencing such a huge loss just a year before?
August came and we welcomed our firstborn son into the world. The pregnancy and delivery were great and I really couldn't wait to do it all over again. 2 years later we conceived and again and in August of 2005 we welcomed our second son into the world. I swore after the exhaustion of a toddler and pregnancy then a newborn that I would not do it again.
As Levi grew older we started giving away all of our baby stuff. 2 years later I started to get baby fever. We were in the process of moving so we waited a little longer before TTC. We tried and tried and tried until February of this year when I got that BFP again. This time I knew from that moment I took the test that something wasn't right. My suspicions were confirmed and I ended up miscarrying on March 4. After 2 years of trying, our dream was crashed.
Here we are nearly 7 months later and we are still trying but with no success. I'm getting down, feeling like a failure. Feeling like maybe I will never get to feel that wonderful feel of the movement of a baby in by belly, to anticipate the due date and wondering what we'll have a boy or a girl.
I truly believe it's all in God's timing and it all will work out to His will. I'm trusting in Him that if I'm meant to have another one that it will happen. It's hard though. I often wonder if I say, ya know what God, if I say I will fully trust in your and fully trust that you will only allow me to have as many as you want me to have, I will never go on BC again that maybe, just maybe I will have another child and maybe many more. I'm not sure that my husband would go with me on that though. I also know that God doesn't bargain. I know that by my saying that it doesn't mean I'll conceive again.
So I sit here and try to give my trust to God and have faith that God really does know what he's doing. After all, had I not miscarried in March, I would be due soon and with everything with dh's work I know it would be really rough for him to get time off right now even just for the delivery. So I do see God working. I do see God's hand and I really do trust him.
I've met some really amazing moms. There is a mom that has 7 kids and is pregnant with her 8th and she's a year younger than me. I'm in awe that she seems so happy and enjoys her kids so much.
I also watch those multiple shows on TLC and of course the Duggars and I love those large families. Growing up I used to tell myself I wanted a large family. I'd take however many children God gave me and I'd be happy with them.
Then I got pregnant in November of 2001. I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait to feel my baby growing and meet my little one. And then the unthinkable happened. I miscarried at 11 weeks. I was devasted. We were told to wait 3 months before TTC again and I needed to get on a form of birth control until then. So I did. After the stroke of midnight on January 1 2003 I found out again that I was expecting. This time I didn't have the true joy that I did with my first one. How can you after experiencing such a huge loss just a year before?
August came and we welcomed our firstborn son into the world. The pregnancy and delivery were great and I really couldn't wait to do it all over again. 2 years later we conceived and again and in August of 2005 we welcomed our second son into the world. I swore after the exhaustion of a toddler and pregnancy then a newborn that I would not do it again.
As Levi grew older we started giving away all of our baby stuff. 2 years later I started to get baby fever. We were in the process of moving so we waited a little longer before TTC. We tried and tried and tried until February of this year when I got that BFP again. This time I knew from that moment I took the test that something wasn't right. My suspicions were confirmed and I ended up miscarrying on March 4. After 2 years of trying, our dream was crashed.
Here we are nearly 7 months later and we are still trying but with no success. I'm getting down, feeling like a failure. Feeling like maybe I will never get to feel that wonderful feel of the movement of a baby in by belly, to anticipate the due date and wondering what we'll have a boy or a girl.
I truly believe it's all in God's timing and it all will work out to His will. I'm trusting in Him that if I'm meant to have another one that it will happen. It's hard though. I often wonder if I say, ya know what God, if I say I will fully trust in your and fully trust that you will only allow me to have as many as you want me to have, I will never go on BC again that maybe, just maybe I will have another child and maybe many more. I'm not sure that my husband would go with me on that though. I also know that God doesn't bargain. I know that by my saying that it doesn't mean I'll conceive again.
So I sit here and try to give my trust to God and have faith that God really does know what he's doing. After all, had I not miscarried in March, I would be due soon and with everything with dh's work I know it would be really rough for him to get time off right now even just for the delivery. So I do see God working. I do see God's hand and I really do trust him.
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