One week from tomorrow

I can hardly believe that in just one week, we will be celebrating Christmas.  The most magical time of year for  me.

In only one week my kids will be opening their gifts and we'll be rejoicing that it is Jesus' birthday.  This year we've even decided to bake a cake.  Chocolate with peanut butter icing is my guess for flavor.  Maybe we'll even color the icing again (did you know you can color peanut butter icing? It's true, you can.).  What color icing do you think Jesus would want?

Tomorrow we are starting the 7 gifts of the Nativity (which reminds me, where did I put that again?).  A friend of mine told me about it and it looks like so much fun.  Tomorrow also starts the Christmas giving season for us.  We are going to D's cousin's for our first gift exchange.  I'm so excited and I won't even be receiving a gift.  I'm excited about giving gifts and seeing the joy in the eyes of those receiving.  I'm also excited about seeing the joy in my children's eyes when they open gifts.

I am still far from being completely ready for Christmas.  I still need to wrap presents and bake but you know if those things don't get done today or tomorrow it's ok.

I heard this sound a couple week ago and fell in love unfortunately I didn't know the name of it but when I heard it again today I found it on Youtube.

I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did.

Future children or no future children....

Today I laid it on the alter.

I've been holding onto this want, this need, this yearning for another child with two hands.  I try to deceive myself and tell myself that it really doesn't bother me that yet again, it hasn't happened but in reality I know I KNOW that it really does.  I know that I've been holding onto.  I try to say here God it's yours but yet I still keep a finger, sometimes a hand and sometimes even TWO hands holding tight to it.

So today, I gave it to God.  I know that it will be easy to slip, easy for me to grab hold again but I don't want to.  I want to be free of this pain, this hurt, this want, this need, this yearning.  I want to know, to have faith, that God is in control and he know's what he is doing.

I look back on my loss, just a mere 9 months ago and know that it was for the best.  That I have learned from it, that I have will continue to learn from it and best of all I'm helping other moms who are now or recently experiencing their own loss.

I'm going to Praise God in This Storm as I hand it all over to him.

22 years ago

It was 22 years ago that you left us but boy does it seem like only yesterday.

Your smile, your half finger, your cooking for us, holidays at your house are only a few of the things I miss about you.  Oh how I wish the boys would have been able to meet you.  What joy they would have brought you and what joy you would have brought them.

I remember that night that dad got the call so vividly.  I remember knowing deep down that I wouldn't ever see you again.  It was not a good feeling for a little girl to have.  I remember waking up the next day, walking home and knowing that the horrible news would be coming from mom's lips.  I still can't wait the movie 'Harry and Henderson's' because it was the one that we were watching that night when we got the call.

I remember choosing not to attend your funeral.  I remember watching out my classroom window as they dug your grave.  I remember this boy in my class who wondered who's grave they were digging and saying it was my Gram's and him not believing me until the tears started to flow, oh how did they flow that day.  They are flowing now as I write this.  You were such a special person, a beautiful women.

Gram, I love you so much and miss you!!!  I treasure each time someone tells me I am like you.  What a person to be like.  Someone who loved her family tremendously.

Gram, me and Aunt Kath

When do you know your family is complete?

As you know by reading my profile, I am the mom of two boys.  They are 5 and 7 years old.  I love their age difference and love the bond they have from that age difference.  It's not always an easy thing but it's perfect nonetheless.

What some of you may not know, something that I just don't put out there for everyone to know is I should be the mom of 4.  I experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy in Jan of 2002.  It was the most horrible experience I've ever had.  It really changed who I am and who I wanted to be.  It really helped me to draw close to God again.

I had another miscarriage in March of this year.  I had just found out I was pregnant when I also started spotting.  Two weeks later, it was over and I needed to pick up the pieces and move forward with my life.  It was not easy to do and it still affects me to a point.  We have been TTC again without really TTC.  Let's put it this way we aren't preventing but we're not temping or OPKing or any of that.

I really thought for sure that I was PG this month but alas I'm not.

Several months ago, dh and I talked about how emotional I would get each month when I discovered I wasn't pregnant that month.  How I would cry and get my hopes up.  He knows how much I want to be, how much I want another child in our life and he does too but he was letting it up to me to decide where to go from here.  So we decided (or I decided) we'd try for another couple of months and if nothing happened by the end of the year we were done for a while and I would go on BC.

Now we are down to our last month of trying and boy am I really hoping.  December has always been a good month for us when it comes to conceiving.  We found out with both boys on New Years Eve/Day so I am hoping.

However, I'm also doubting and wondering when do you know your family is complete?  When do you know it's time to give up and stop trying?  When is it time to throw in the towel and say forgetaboutit?

Also, how do you ensure that you are letting it all in God's hand?  How do you stop worrying and wondering?

I'm trying to let it in God's hands.  I'm trying to say, 'Here God it's yours' but I think I keep holding on.  I keep saying, 'Sorry God, I can't fully let go and let you'  How do I do that?  How do I rely on God to make the perfect decision?  How do I have complete faith that God knows what he is doing and he has my best interest in hand?

Dear God,

Today I give you my pain, my hurt, my disappointment.  I give you the worry of never having another child.  I give you the pain that I feel each month when I realize it's not my month.  Help me to focus on new and bright things.  Help me to focus on you.  Give me something new and wonderful to focus on that will take my mind off of what I want and can't/don't have.  Help me to forgetaboutit and not to be upset each month.  Lord, if you want us to have another child that is ours, please allow it to happen.  If you want us to adopt, please allow that to happen.  Open new doors, close old doors and help me to move on starting today.  God fill me with your promises.  The promises that only you can fulfill.  Thank you.

In your precious son's name.
Amen