Letting go and revelations

Yesterday, my seven year old son went away on his first weekend away from home without me.  Yes, seven years old seems like a bit old for him to finally break away from mom for weekend but I treasure each moment with my kids (well most of them anyway) and haven't seen an opportunity for him to be away without me until yesterday and daddy went with him so really I shouldn't be so upset and sad.

For the past week or so, I've noticed that every little thing caused me to say, if you don't stop right now you're not going camping this weekend.  Idle threats since in fact, he'd have to be horribly bad not to go and his behavior wasn't that bad.  Plus daddy would probably override me anyway.

Last night while I was trying to get dinner ready for them and get the kitchen cleaned up, I noticed that I was very cranky and not very nice mom like. Everything set me off.  I hate when I am this way because I know most of the time, no one has done anything to deserve my wrath.  While standing and doing dishes, I hurt my finger, causing me to pause a moment.  That pause was all I needed to just let the tears out.  I think God allowed me to injure my finger to tell me to relax and to find out the true reason I was so upset...

I didn't want to let my little boy go away without me.

I know it's inevitable and every parent has to let their children go at one time or another but man does it always hurt this much?  I try to act tough and not let my real feelings show.  Maybe because when I did growing up, I was picked on and teased (I think they now call this bullying).  So I've learned to try to hide my feelings and by doing that I become angry.  I become a very not nice person.  One that I don't even like.

What a huge revelation that was.  Something I really needed to see and hear and realize.

I also had another revelation last night.  As I stood by the window watching them leave with the rest of the scouts (our house is across the street from the church where they meet), I found the tears start flowing again.  It was only then that I realized how hard this parenting thing really is and how much I truly love my children and my husband.  I also realized that I am going to be one hurting person when it comes to them leaving the nest for good. Thankfully, that's a ways away and with any luck, it won't fly past in a blink of an eye.

Finding peace

It will be a year soon that I found out that I was pregnant again.  After having tried for 2 years it seems like such a blessing.  I was so excited and thrilled that we would welcome another baby into our family.

Then my worst fears came true, I started spotting...eventually losing our baby on March 4, 2010.

What a devastating to to have happened again.  This was not our first loss but our second.  We now have a .500 average and if we were playing ball that would be a great average but sadly we are not and that average just sucks!!!

It is said that 1 out of every 4 pregnancies are loss to miscarriage.  That's a very horrible statistic and not one that I had ever wanted to be part of once let alone twice.

Several weeks after my miscarriage my role at work changed.  One of our new groups that we had launched was the Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss group, a group that I happily took on as my 'baby'.

I feel blessed to be able to help other women get through the pain of losing something they wanted so badly.  Something that was part of them.  I truly believe God allowed me to suffer a miscarriage again because I needed to feel the raw pain that only comes from a miscarriage.  It has helped me to help other moms.

Why we haven't been able to conceive again, I'm not sure but I know God has a reason and he holds my future.  If only I knew what the future did hold.

I trust that God will get me through and will help me to find the peace that I need right now as I deal with possibly not ever getting pregnant again.