Letting go and revelations

Yesterday, my seven year old son went away on his first weekend away from home without me.  Yes, seven years old seems like a bit old for him to finally break away from mom for weekend but I treasure each moment with my kids (well most of them anyway) and haven't seen an opportunity for him to be away without me until yesterday and daddy went with him so really I shouldn't be so upset and sad.

For the past week or so, I've noticed that every little thing caused me to say, if you don't stop right now you're not going camping this weekend.  Idle threats since in fact, he'd have to be horribly bad not to go and his behavior wasn't that bad.  Plus daddy would probably override me anyway.

Last night while I was trying to get dinner ready for them and get the kitchen cleaned up, I noticed that I was very cranky and not very nice mom like. Everything set me off.  I hate when I am this way because I know most of the time, no one has done anything to deserve my wrath.  While standing and doing dishes, I hurt my finger, causing me to pause a moment.  That pause was all I needed to just let the tears out.  I think God allowed me to injure my finger to tell me to relax and to find out the true reason I was so upset...

I didn't want to let my little boy go away without me.

I know it's inevitable and every parent has to let their children go at one time or another but man does it always hurt this much?  I try to act tough and not let my real feelings show.  Maybe because when I did growing up, I was picked on and teased (I think they now call this bullying).  So I've learned to try to hide my feelings and by doing that I become angry.  I become a very not nice person.  One that I don't even like.

What a huge revelation that was.  Something I really needed to see and hear and realize.

I also had another revelation last night.  As I stood by the window watching them leave with the rest of the scouts (our house is across the street from the church where they meet), I found the tears start flowing again.  It was only then that I realized how hard this parenting thing really is and how much I truly love my children and my husband.  I also realized that I am going to be one hurting person when it comes to them leaving the nest for good. Thankfully, that's a ways away and with any luck, it won't fly past in a blink of an eye.