When do you know your family is complete?

As you know by reading my profile, I am the mom of two boys.  They are 5 and 7 years old.  I love their age difference and love the bond they have from that age difference.  It's not always an easy thing but it's perfect nonetheless.

What some of you may not know, something that I just don't put out there for everyone to know is I should be the mom of 4.  I experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy in Jan of 2002.  It was the most horrible experience I've ever had.  It really changed who I am and who I wanted to be.  It really helped me to draw close to God again.

I had another miscarriage in March of this year.  I had just found out I was pregnant when I also started spotting.  Two weeks later, it was over and I needed to pick up the pieces and move forward with my life.  It was not easy to do and it still affects me to a point.  We have been TTC again without really TTC.  Let's put it this way we aren't preventing but we're not temping or OPKing or any of that.

I really thought for sure that I was PG this month but alas I'm not.

Several months ago, dh and I talked about how emotional I would get each month when I discovered I wasn't pregnant that month.  How I would cry and get my hopes up.  He knows how much I want to be, how much I want another child in our life and he does too but he was letting it up to me to decide where to go from here.  So we decided (or I decided) we'd try for another couple of months and if nothing happened by the end of the year we were done for a while and I would go on BC.

Now we are down to our last month of trying and boy am I really hoping.  December has always been a good month for us when it comes to conceiving.  We found out with both boys on New Years Eve/Day so I am hoping.

However, I'm also doubting and wondering when do you know your family is complete?  When do you know it's time to give up and stop trying?  When is it time to throw in the towel and say forgetaboutit?

Also, how do you ensure that you are letting it all in God's hand?  How do you stop worrying and wondering?

I'm trying to let it in God's hands.  I'm trying to say, 'Here God it's yours' but I think I keep holding on.  I keep saying, 'Sorry God, I can't fully let go and let you'  How do I do that?  How do I rely on God to make the perfect decision?  How do I have complete faith that God knows what he is doing and he has my best interest in hand?

Dear God,

Today I give you my pain, my hurt, my disappointment.  I give you the worry of never having another child.  I give you the pain that I feel each month when I realize it's not my month.  Help me to focus on new and bright things.  Help me to focus on you.  Give me something new and wonderful to focus on that will take my mind off of what I want and can't/don't have.  Help me to forgetaboutit and not to be upset each month.  Lord, if you want us to have another child that is ours, please allow it to happen.  If you want us to adopt, please allow that to happen.  Open new doors, close old doors and help me to move on starting today.  God fill me with your promises.  The promises that only you can fulfill.  Thank you.

In your precious son's name.
Amen