Dear God

Dear God,

This sucks.  I hate this feeling.  I hate that we've been trying for so long and all I get is heartache and failure.  I hate that I feel so ungrateful for what you have given me.  I hate feeling so low.  I hate when I get my hopes up and they all come crashing down around me every month.  I hate it! I hate it!  I hate it!!! And you know what?  It sucks.

It seems so many around me are reveling in the joys of pregnancy. Every where I look there is a new announcement.  They're all over the place at work.  So many happy soon to be moms.  They're all around me in real life.  Soon to be moms with their bellies swelling, looking radiant and happy.

It sucks that I should be holding a baby right about now.  My own little one.  It sucks that my boys aren't big brothers.  It sucks that they don't know the joy that other kids get to feel of seeing their baby brother or sister smiling up at them.  It sucks that my baby was taken from me way too soon.

I know you have a plan for me God.  I know there are reasons why things happen, why you took my baby from me so soon after giving him/her to me.  I know there are plans for everything but I wanna know that plan.  I wanna know if it will ever be my time to announce that we're expecting again.

I'm tired of feeling like a failure each month.  I'm just tired God.  I need you to let me know it's ok.  I need to feel your reassuring touch around me.  I wanna know what your will is for me, God.  I wanna know, will I ever feel a baby growing in my belly.  Will I ever get to feel the sweet kicks, the hiccups, the pains of my belly growing, the joy of being a soon to be mom again.  Will I get to bring another child into this world to learn more about you and grow in you?

Should I just give up God?  Should I just throw in the towel and realize it's not meant to be?  What should I do God?  I need your guidance.

I really do want to be happy with those around me who are expecting.  There have been so many of them who have struggled to get pregnant, so many who have felt losses just like mine.  I want to rejoice with them.  I want to be truly happy for them and not just say Congrats with no meaning behind it.

I want to be able to look at a newborn baby and not feel my heart breaking in two because I feel my losses all over again.  I want to be able to see a growing belly and not be jealous because mine is fat from fat and not because there is a little one growing in it.

God, I just wanna do your will.  What you want me to do.  Please show me the way, God.  Show me where to go from here.  Direct me.  Love me. Carry me.  Help me to continue to help those who face a loss each and every day.  Help me to be a beacon of hope to those around me.  Help me to live for you and to show you through what I do and say and write.  Help others to see you in everything that I do.

Thank you God.

Amen