Babies, pregnancies and families

I work for a great social networking site for moms:  cafemom.com.  I love my job and I love getting to know all the great women from around the country and the world.

I've met some really amazing moms.  There is a mom that has 7 kids and is pregnant with her 8th and she's a year younger than me.  I'm in awe that she seems so happy and enjoys her kids so much.

I also watch those multiple shows on TLC and of course the Duggars and I love those large families.  Growing up I used to tell myself I wanted a large family.  I'd take however many children God gave me and I'd be happy with them.

Then I got pregnant in November of 2001.  I was ecstatic.  I couldn't wait to feel my baby growing and meet my little one.  And then the unthinkable happened.  I miscarried at 11 weeks.  I was devasted.  We were told to wait 3 months before TTC again and I needed to get on a form of birth control until then.  So I did.  After the stroke of midnight on January 1 2003 I found out again that I was expecting.  This time I didn't have the true joy that I did with my first one.  How can you after experiencing such a huge loss just a year before?

August came and we welcomed our firstborn son into the world.  The pregnancy and delivery were great and I really couldn't wait to do it all over again.  2 years later we conceived and again and in August of 2005 we welcomed our second son into the world.    I swore after the exhaustion of a toddler and pregnancy then a newborn that I would not do it again.

As Levi grew older we started giving away all of our baby stuff.  2 years later I started to get baby fever.  We were in the process of moving so we waited a little longer before TTC.  We tried and tried and tried until February of this year when I got that BFP again.  This time I knew from that moment I took the test that something wasn't right.  My suspicions were confirmed and I ended up miscarrying on March 4.  After 2 years of trying, our dream was crashed.

Here we are nearly 7 months later and we are still trying but with no success.  I'm getting down, feeling like a failure.  Feeling like maybe I will never get to feel that wonderful feel of the movement of a baby in by belly, to anticipate the due date and wondering what we'll have a boy or a girl.

I truly believe it's all in God's timing and it all will work out to His will.  I'm trusting in Him that if I'm meant to have another one that it will happen.  It's hard though.  I often wonder if I say, ya know what God, if I say I will fully trust in your and fully trust that you will only allow me to have as many as you want me to have, I will never go on BC again that maybe, just maybe I will have another child and maybe many more.  I'm not sure that my husband would go with me on that though.  I also know that God doesn't bargain.  I know that by my saying that it doesn't mean I'll conceive again.

So I sit here and try to give my trust to God and have faith that God really does know what he's doing.  After all, had I not miscarried in March, I would be due soon and with everything with dh's work I know it would be really rough for him to get time off right now even just for the delivery.  So I do see God working.  I do see God's hand and I really do trust him.