That's a word I have been seeing and hearing a lot recently. It's a word that means many, many things to me. When I hear it, the first thing that pops into my head is my husband.
My husband was adopted 36 years ago by his wonderful parents. 2 years later they adopted his brother and then 16 years later, they adopted his sister. 3 very fortunate children living with two very caring parents (they didn't all live under the same roof at the same time).
When I met my husband, I knew he was adopted, I had been a friend of the family. When we fell in love and got married we both knew we would one day like to adopt but first we wanted to have our own children. Nearly 12 years and 2 children later, the topic seems to be in our faces (probably more mine than his) and I'm wondering if this is the time to start pursuing it. Is this the time contact an agency and get the ball rolling? Or should we wait? How do we know when the time is right? Is it possible to even know? I always kind of hoped, that the opportunity would just fall into our laps but alas, it hasn't thus far.
How do we know this is what God wants for our family? Will we be able to transition easily into this new roll? Will our own children be at ease about new kids moving in? Will I be able to handle another kid or two or maybe three? Can I give each of them love equally? What happens if something goes wrong? Is having a heart for adoption enough? Will our families support us in this endeavor? What if they don't, can we do it alone? How will we know that the kids chosen for us should be ours?
So many questions and no few answers.
Dear God,
Help me to hear your answers, hear your voice, hear what you want for us.
Thank you Lord for those answers.
Amen
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
FRUSTRATION
That is the word of the day.
It's such a horrible word, one I hate. Feeling frustrated is not something I enjoy and certainly not something those around me like me to feel. Because as much as I try not to take my frustration out on someone else, it's sometimes hard to do and a little slips out.
Two weeks ago we had the new IEP meeting for my oldest son who suffers from speech issues, mostly being able to communicate clearly what it is that he is trying to say. Part of the IEP, recommended that we have him tested for CAPD (Central Auditory Processing Disorder). I called almost right away about getting him an appointment. Last week we received the paperwork to fill out and along with it was a note that said that they do NOT bill the insurance for two parts of the testing and that we would have to pay out of pocket for the test, to the tune of $285-$500. So not cheap and payment is due at the time of the testing, no payment plans. We also have to call the insurance company and ensure that they will pay for other parts of the testing too so the amount paid out of pocket could go up. A lot..... And no one seems to be able to tell us what the pluses are to having him tested, other than they'll know more of what they are dealing with. They can't tell us what they will be able to do for him. It's all a little frustrating.
For now, I just want to crawl into bed, have a good long cry and go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better.
It's such a horrible word, one I hate. Feeling frustrated is not something I enjoy and certainly not something those around me like me to feel. Because as much as I try not to take my frustration out on someone else, it's sometimes hard to do and a little slips out.
Two weeks ago we had the new IEP meeting for my oldest son who suffers from speech issues, mostly being able to communicate clearly what it is that he is trying to say. Part of the IEP, recommended that we have him tested for CAPD (Central Auditory Processing Disorder). I called almost right away about getting him an appointment. Last week we received the paperwork to fill out and along with it was a note that said that they do NOT bill the insurance for two parts of the testing and that we would have to pay out of pocket for the test, to the tune of $285-$500. So not cheap and payment is due at the time of the testing, no payment plans. We also have to call the insurance company and ensure that they will pay for other parts of the testing too so the amount paid out of pocket could go up. A lot..... And no one seems to be able to tell us what the pluses are to having him tested, other than they'll know more of what they are dealing with. They can't tell us what they will be able to do for him. It's all a little frustrating.
For now, I just want to crawl into bed, have a good long cry and go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Spring Fever
I LOVE spring. To me there is nothing better than warmer temperatures after living in what feels like an igloo all winter long. No longer needing to fill my oil tank makes me happy too.
Then there are the flowers just starting to bloom, buds just starting to come out on the trees and one of my favorites-the buds emerging from my lilac bushes, meaning, I'll soon smell the beautiful scent of lilacs each morning.
There is also the thrill of laundry hanging on my clothes lines outside, the feel of the cool breezes as they blow threw my open windows during the day and sneaking open my window at night, hoping my husband doesn't notice and complain about the cold.
And who could forget, the joy of seeing my kids outside in something other than snow pants, heavy coats and boots? What a sight to see them running around, digging in my garden, swinging on the swing set and begging me to jump on the trampoline with them. Then there are the bike rides and mini-soccer games and soon baseball practice and baseball games.
There is also my second favorite holiday-Easter. The ultimate sacrifice that could be made was made for me and for you on that day. I look forward to watching the sun rise as we sing hymns during our sunrise Easter service.
Ahhh.....How I LOVE spring and all that spring brings, even the rain (hey, it means it's not snowing right?) and my sneezing husband.
Then there are the flowers just starting to bloom, buds just starting to come out on the trees and one of my favorites-the buds emerging from my lilac bushes, meaning, I'll soon smell the beautiful scent of lilacs each morning.
There is also the thrill of laundry hanging on my clothes lines outside, the feel of the cool breezes as they blow threw my open windows during the day and sneaking open my window at night, hoping my husband doesn't notice and complain about the cold.
And who could forget, the joy of seeing my kids outside in something other than snow pants, heavy coats and boots? What a sight to see them running around, digging in my garden, swinging on the swing set and begging me to jump on the trampoline with them. Then there are the bike rides and mini-soccer games and soon baseball practice and baseball games.
There is also my second favorite holiday-Easter. The ultimate sacrifice that could be made was made for me and for you on that day. I look forward to watching the sun rise as we sing hymns during our sunrise Easter service.
Ahhh.....How I LOVE spring and all that spring brings, even the rain (hey, it means it's not snowing right?) and my sneezing husband.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Letting go and revelations
Yesterday, my seven year old son went away on his first weekend away from home without me. Yes, seven years old seems like a bit old for him to finally break away from mom for weekend but I treasure each moment with my kids (well most of them anyway) and haven't seen an opportunity for him to be away without me until yesterday and daddy went with him so really I shouldn't be so upset and sad.
For the past week or so, I've noticed that every little thing caused me to say, if you don't stop right now you're not going camping this weekend. Idle threats since in fact, he'd have to be horribly bad not to go and his behavior wasn't that bad. Plus daddy would probably override me anyway.
Last night while I was trying to get dinner ready for them and get the kitchen cleaned up, I noticed that I was very cranky and not very nice mom like. Everything set me off. I hate when I am this way because I know most of the time, no one has done anything to deserve my wrath. While standing and doing dishes, I hurt my finger, causing me to pause a moment. That pause was all I needed to just let the tears out. I think God allowed me to injure my finger to tell me to relax and to find out the true reason I was so upset...
I didn't want to let my little boy go away without me.
I know it's inevitable and every parent has to let their children go at one time or another but man does it always hurt this much? I try to act tough and not let my real feelings show. Maybe because when I did growing up, I was picked on and teased (I think they now call this bullying). So I've learned to try to hide my feelings and by doing that I become angry. I become a very not nice person. One that I don't even like.
What a huge revelation that was. Something I really needed to see and hear and realize.
I also had another revelation last night. As I stood by the window watching them leave with the rest of the scouts (our house is across the street from the church where they meet), I found the tears start flowing again. It was only then that I realized how hard this parenting thing really is and how much I truly love my children and my husband. I also realized that I am going to be one hurting person when it comes to them leaving the nest for good. Thankfully, that's a ways away and with any luck, it won't fly past in a blink of an eye.
For the past week or so, I've noticed that every little thing caused me to say, if you don't stop right now you're not going camping this weekend. Idle threats since in fact, he'd have to be horribly bad not to go and his behavior wasn't that bad. Plus daddy would probably override me anyway.
Last night while I was trying to get dinner ready for them and get the kitchen cleaned up, I noticed that I was very cranky and not very nice mom like. Everything set me off. I hate when I am this way because I know most of the time, no one has done anything to deserve my wrath. While standing and doing dishes, I hurt my finger, causing me to pause a moment. That pause was all I needed to just let the tears out. I think God allowed me to injure my finger to tell me to relax and to find out the true reason I was so upset...
I didn't want to let my little boy go away without me.
I know it's inevitable and every parent has to let their children go at one time or another but man does it always hurt this much? I try to act tough and not let my real feelings show. Maybe because when I did growing up, I was picked on and teased (I think they now call this bullying). So I've learned to try to hide my feelings and by doing that I become angry. I become a very not nice person. One that I don't even like.
What a huge revelation that was. Something I really needed to see and hear and realize.
I also had another revelation last night. As I stood by the window watching them leave with the rest of the scouts (our house is across the street from the church where they meet), I found the tears start flowing again. It was only then that I realized how hard this parenting thing really is and how much I truly love my children and my husband. I also realized that I am going to be one hurting person when it comes to them leaving the nest for good. Thankfully, that's a ways away and with any luck, it won't fly past in a blink of an eye.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Finding peace
It will be a year soon that I found out that I was pregnant again. After having tried for 2 years it seems like such a blessing. I was so excited and thrilled that we would welcome another baby into our family.
Then my worst fears came true, I started spotting...eventually losing our baby on March 4, 2010.
What a devastating to to have happened again. This was not our first loss but our second. We now have a .500 average and if we were playing ball that would be a great average but sadly we are not and that average just sucks!!!
It is said that 1 out of every 4 pregnancies are loss to miscarriage. That's a very horrible statistic and not one that I had ever wanted to be part of once let alone twice.
Several weeks after my miscarriage my role at work changed. One of our new groups that we had launched was the Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss group, a group that I happily took on as my 'baby'.
I feel blessed to be able to help other women get through the pain of losing something they wanted so badly. Something that was part of them. I truly believe God allowed me to suffer a miscarriage again because I needed to feel the raw pain that only comes from a miscarriage. It has helped me to help other moms.
Why we haven't been able to conceive again, I'm not sure but I know God has a reason and he holds my future. If only I knew what the future did hold.
I trust that God will get me through and will help me to find the peace that I need right now as I deal with possibly not ever getting pregnant again.
Then my worst fears came true, I started spotting...eventually losing our baby on March 4, 2010.
What a devastating to to have happened again. This was not our first loss but our second. We now have a .500 average and if we were playing ball that would be a great average but sadly we are not and that average just sucks!!!
It is said that 1 out of every 4 pregnancies are loss to miscarriage. That's a very horrible statistic and not one that I had ever wanted to be part of once let alone twice.
Several weeks after my miscarriage my role at work changed. One of our new groups that we had launched was the Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss group, a group that I happily took on as my 'baby'.
I feel blessed to be able to help other women get through the pain of losing something they wanted so badly. Something that was part of them. I truly believe God allowed me to suffer a miscarriage again because I needed to feel the raw pain that only comes from a miscarriage. It has helped me to help other moms.
Why we haven't been able to conceive again, I'm not sure but I know God has a reason and he holds my future. If only I knew what the future did hold.
I trust that God will get me through and will help me to find the peace that I need right now as I deal with possibly not ever getting pregnant again.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The Next Generation
Something dear to my heart is the Next Generation. And I don't mean Star Trek either. I mean our children, those who are our future.
If you look around you, you'll see that drugs, sex and violence are all huge influences in our children's life. Turn the TV on any given night and one of these three will be thrown into your face. Especially on the major networks.
I admit, there are several shows that I really enjoy watching that I wouldn't allow my children near me while I'm watching them. Even when they're 10, 11 or 12, they won't be watching them. Does that make me a bad mom because I don't want to expose my children to blood and gore? Sex and non-traditional relationships? Drugs, alcohol and tobacco? Some would say I am but I think I'm being a smart mom. One who makes choses that are the best for my family.
Last evening I recorded Skins on MTV. Wow, within 3 minutes of turning it on, I wanted to turn it off because the language was atrocious. It was like an insult on my ears. I didn't even know that you were ever allowed to use some of those words on TV, no matter what time of day it was. It's not a show that I care to ever watch again.
It is a show that is geared towards kids. Not really kids my boys' ages but older kids. Teenagers. I'm not naive, I know that the general American population of teenagers has a high rate of pre-marital sex. I also know that most of them learned at a very young age about sex and know more sexual innuendos than even I do. What worries me is that sex isn't special for so many kids. It's something to do. Most are aware of the consequences of pre-marital sex but many don't believe those consequences can happen to them.
I'm sure there are some that think, eh, if I get pregnant, maybe I can be on Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant. Oh and don't forget those who are told it's your body, your choice. If you don't want the baby, get rid of it. Abortion is the easy way out. While it is your body and ultimately your choice, you need to remember that God, knew us even before we were conceived. Abortion may seem easy but the emotional consequences can wear on you for a lifetime. While abortions are also fairly safe, there is always the chance that you may one day no longer be able to have children. Like any other medical procedures there are side effects of abortion.
Pregnancy is not the only consequence of sexual activity. There are also STDs to worry about. With the amount of teens/adults having sex outside of a loving, committed relationship, its a wonder that STDs aren't more prevalent. Of course, they could be. I'm sure there are hundreds of thousands of undiagnosed cases out there being spread around because many are too embarrassed to be checked out.
I have to wonder if, we as parents are doing enough to stress the importance of waiting to have sex. Are we offering our kids options to help them prevent giving into their sexual desires? Are we talking to them at a young age about what is and is not acceptable? Do we leave the doors open for communication? Are we active in them choosing healthy, wholesome shows to watch?
It's sad to think that so many high schools out there are similar to the show Skins. It scares me to think that my children could be going to school in a high school similar to that one. Where sex is just something to do and it's a sin to be a virgin.
I also find it very offensive that so many shows out there, especially those on cable TV, are geared towards our teens and show that sex is ok that it's no big deal. I can tell you from experience that sex IS a big deal and there is nothing better than sex within a committed, loving marriage.
What can you do to help your children to wait? Wouldn't it be great that instead of teenage sex being the norm, waiting for sex would be?
If you look around you, you'll see that drugs, sex and violence are all huge influences in our children's life. Turn the TV on any given night and one of these three will be thrown into your face. Especially on the major networks.
I admit, there are several shows that I really enjoy watching that I wouldn't allow my children near me while I'm watching them. Even when they're 10, 11 or 12, they won't be watching them. Does that make me a bad mom because I don't want to expose my children to blood and gore? Sex and non-traditional relationships? Drugs, alcohol and tobacco? Some would say I am but I think I'm being a smart mom. One who makes choses that are the best for my family.
Last evening I recorded Skins on MTV. Wow, within 3 minutes of turning it on, I wanted to turn it off because the language was atrocious. It was like an insult on my ears. I didn't even know that you were ever allowed to use some of those words on TV, no matter what time of day it was. It's not a show that I care to ever watch again.
It is a show that is geared towards kids. Not really kids my boys' ages but older kids. Teenagers. I'm not naive, I know that the general American population of teenagers has a high rate of pre-marital sex. I also know that most of them learned at a very young age about sex and know more sexual innuendos than even I do. What worries me is that sex isn't special for so many kids. It's something to do. Most are aware of the consequences of pre-marital sex but many don't believe those consequences can happen to them.
I'm sure there are some that think, eh, if I get pregnant, maybe I can be on Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant. Oh and don't forget those who are told it's your body, your choice. If you don't want the baby, get rid of it. Abortion is the easy way out. While it is your body and ultimately your choice, you need to remember that God, knew us even before we were conceived. Abortion may seem easy but the emotional consequences can wear on you for a lifetime. While abortions are also fairly safe, there is always the chance that you may one day no longer be able to have children. Like any other medical procedures there are side effects of abortion.
Pregnancy is not the only consequence of sexual activity. There are also STDs to worry about. With the amount of teens/adults having sex outside of a loving, committed relationship, its a wonder that STDs aren't more prevalent. Of course, they could be. I'm sure there are hundreds of thousands of undiagnosed cases out there being spread around because many are too embarrassed to be checked out.
I have to wonder if, we as parents are doing enough to stress the importance of waiting to have sex. Are we offering our kids options to help them prevent giving into their sexual desires? Are we talking to them at a young age about what is and is not acceptable? Do we leave the doors open for communication? Are we active in them choosing healthy, wholesome shows to watch?
It's sad to think that so many high schools out there are similar to the show Skins. It scares me to think that my children could be going to school in a high school similar to that one. Where sex is just something to do and it's a sin to be a virgin.
I also find it very offensive that so many shows out there, especially those on cable TV, are geared towards our teens and show that sex is ok that it's no big deal. I can tell you from experience that sex IS a big deal and there is nothing better than sex within a committed, loving marriage.
What can you do to help your children to wait? Wouldn't it be great that instead of teenage sex being the norm, waiting for sex would be?
Sunday, January 2, 2011
A New Year's Resolution????
With the beginning of a new year comes the question 'What's your new year's resolution?'
Each year growing up, it was a tradition to make a resolution. Each year it seemed to be a tradition to break that resolution within the first month of the new year (usually within the first week).
The last several years I haven't made any or should I say none that I'm willing to say out loud for fear that I will break them within the first week or month and feeling like a failure because of it. So here we are again, at the beginning of a new year. Again this year I said I wasn't making a resolution though I surely had the same ones many others have had, including dieting, spending more time with my family, etc.
Today, our church sermon was on rekindling the fire and at the end of it was a great video (I wish I could link it here). The sermon spoke to my heart but the video itself really hit me. Let me give the synopsis of it:
There are two young ladies (they are strangers to each other), sitting up on a mountain looking at nature. The one said to the other that she spends a lot of time up there enjoying nature and learning as much as she could about this mountain/nature. She then asks the other lady if there was something that she 'addicted' to and she didn't really have an answer. The first lady gives her some suggestions and she said she was a Christian and the first girl said oh then you must be addicted to Jesus and learn as much as you can about him. To which the other girl responds not really. They go back and forth a bit and the second girl realizes that she really should spend more time in God's word and at church learning as much as she could about Jesus.
Oh how that hit home for me. I call myself a Christian but I have to admit I don't spend nearly as much time as I should learning about God and reading his word. I'm good with attending church and I make it a priority but I don't make it a priority to spend time in the word.
So I am breaking the trend on not making a new year's resolution by making one right now. I want to spend more time in God's word learning more about him.
I leave with this reminder from Revelations 3: 15-16: I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
Each year growing up, it was a tradition to make a resolution. Each year it seemed to be a tradition to break that resolution within the first month of the new year (usually within the first week).
The last several years I haven't made any or should I say none that I'm willing to say out loud for fear that I will break them within the first week or month and feeling like a failure because of it. So here we are again, at the beginning of a new year. Again this year I said I wasn't making a resolution though I surely had the same ones many others have had, including dieting, spending more time with my family, etc.
Today, our church sermon was on rekindling the fire and at the end of it was a great video (I wish I could link it here). The sermon spoke to my heart but the video itself really hit me. Let me give the synopsis of it:
There are two young ladies (they are strangers to each other), sitting up on a mountain looking at nature. The one said to the other that she spends a lot of time up there enjoying nature and learning as much as she could about this mountain/nature. She then asks the other lady if there was something that she 'addicted' to and she didn't really have an answer. The first lady gives her some suggestions and she said she was a Christian and the first girl said oh then you must be addicted to Jesus and learn as much as you can about him. To which the other girl responds not really. They go back and forth a bit and the second girl realizes that she really should spend more time in God's word and at church learning as much as she could about Jesus.
Oh how that hit home for me. I call myself a Christian but I have to admit I don't spend nearly as much time as I should learning about God and reading his word. I'm good with attending church and I make it a priority but I don't make it a priority to spend time in the word.
So I am breaking the trend on not making a new year's resolution by making one right now. I want to spend more time in God's word learning more about him.
I leave with this reminder from Revelations 3: 15-16: I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
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