2010, a year like no other.
It started out like many other years, both of us working, the kids getting older, but things changed in January.
On January 18th, my gram (my mom's mom died). She had suffered from cancer and sever Alzheimer's. It was sad but a blessing for her to go. She no longer had to suffer.
D's grandpa (his mom's dad) died on February 23. It was pretty sad but very expected. He had been dealing with colon cancer that moved to his lungs and then throughout his body in the end. He also suffered from Alzheimer's to the point where in the end it was a blessing to see him go.
Shortly before D's grandpa died, I got a BFP. It was pretty exciting since we had been trying for two years. My excitement did not last long. Three days after we buried D's grandpa, I miscarried. I knew it was happening but had held out a little hope that my numbers would go up and everything would be ok but it was not meant to be.
On Mother's Day my little sister told me she was expecting. It was a bit of a hit to me but I was so excited for her. We are currently waiting for the little one to decide she wants to meet everyone.
Not even a week later (May 14th), my cousin passed away and three days later my aunt passed away.
We had been hoping this was the last of funerals and viewings that we would have to attend but on October 16th, D's grandma (his dad's mom) went to be with her husband.
2010 also brought an interesting twist to our life in September. Not only did our children both start school but D's manager at the store also took a leave of absence to get treatment for cancer. Shortly after he went out, the other manager in the store was arrested for possession of child pornography. My husband was the only manager in the store but thankfully he had two great key holders who helped out as much as they cold.
Not long after he became the only manager we got a phone call just as we were getting ready for bed from the alarm company. It was ironic (or maybe it was God-ronic) that earlier that evening we had requested prayer in our Bible Study for D since he was the only one in the store and then we get an alarm call. I knew from the moment he left that this was not a normal alarm call. D also later shared with me he had a feeling on the way there that this was not just a regular alarm call. It was something more serious. Sure enough, he arrived to two cop cars already there and several more on their way. Inside the store, a robber helped himself to numerous pieces of jewelry not caring that the alarm was going off and that there were cops waiting outside. Things didn't end very well for him. Shortly after being cuffed, he passed away. 13 hours after he went to answer the alarm call, D was finally able to come home and get some much needed rest.
The rest of 2010 was pretty quiet and calm despite the first 10 months being a bit dramatic.
When I look back on the year, I see many sad things but I also see that we had many great moments as a family. Many great moments as a couple. We ended the year with a better appreciation for the life that we were given, treasuring each moment that we had. We made many new friends in 2010 and enjoyed some great times with them. D and I have drawn closer together and closer to God.
I now look forward to what 2011 will bring us.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Friday, December 17, 2010
One week from tomorrow
I can hardly believe that in just one week, we will be celebrating Christmas. The most magical time of year for me.
In only one week my kids will be opening their gifts and we'll be rejoicing that it is Jesus' birthday. This year we've even decided to bake a cake. Chocolate with peanut butter icing is my guess for flavor. Maybe we'll even color the icing again (did you know you can color peanut butter icing? It's true, you can.). What color icing do you think Jesus would want?
Tomorrow we are starting the 7 gifts of the Nativity (which reminds me, where did I put that again?). A friend of mine told me about it and it looks like so much fun. Tomorrow also starts the Christmas giving season for us. We are going to D's cousin's for our first gift exchange. I'm so excited and I won't even be receiving a gift. I'm excited about giving gifts and seeing the joy in the eyes of those receiving. I'm also excited about seeing the joy in my children's eyes when they open gifts.
I am still far from being completely ready for Christmas. I still need to wrap presents and bake but you know if those things don't get done today or tomorrow it's ok.
I heard this sound a couple week ago and fell in love unfortunately I didn't know the name of it but when I heard it again today I found it on Youtube.
I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Future children or no future children....
Today I laid it on the alter.
I've been holding onto this want, this need, this yearning for another child with two hands. I try to deceive myself and tell myself that it really doesn't bother me that yet again, it hasn't happened but in reality I know I KNOW that it really does. I know that I've been holding onto. I try to say here God it's yours but yet I still keep a finger, sometimes a hand and sometimes even TWO hands holding tight to it.
So today, I gave it to God. I know that it will be easy to slip, easy for me to grab hold again but I don't want to. I want to be free of this pain, this hurt, this want, this need, this yearning. I want to know, to have faith, that God is in control and he know's what he is doing.
I look back on my loss, just a mere 9 months ago and know that it was for the best. That I have learned from it, that I have will continue to learn from it and best of all I'm helping other moms who are now or recently experiencing their own loss.
I'm going to Praise God in This Storm as I hand it all over to him.
I've been holding onto this want, this need, this yearning for another child with two hands. I try to deceive myself and tell myself that it really doesn't bother me that yet again, it hasn't happened but in reality I know I KNOW that it really does. I know that I've been holding onto. I try to say here God it's yours but yet I still keep a finger, sometimes a hand and sometimes even TWO hands holding tight to it.
So today, I gave it to God. I know that it will be easy to slip, easy for me to grab hold again but I don't want to. I want to be free of this pain, this hurt, this want, this need, this yearning. I want to know, to have faith, that God is in control and he know's what he is doing.
I look back on my loss, just a mere 9 months ago and know that it was for the best. That I have learned from it, that I have will continue to learn from it and best of all I'm helping other moms who are now or recently experiencing their own loss.
I'm going to Praise God in This Storm as I hand it all over to him.
Friday, December 3, 2010
22 years ago
It was 22 years ago that you left us but boy does it seem like only yesterday.
Your smile, your half finger, your cooking for us, holidays at your house are only a few of the things I miss about you. Oh how I wish the boys would have been able to meet you. What joy they would have brought you and what joy you would have brought them.
I remember that night that dad got the call so vividly. I remember knowing deep down that I wouldn't ever see you again. It was not a good feeling for a little girl to have. I remember waking up the next day, walking home and knowing that the horrible news would be coming from mom's lips. I still can't wait the movie 'Harry and Henderson's' because it was the one that we were watching that night when we got the call.
I remember choosing not to attend your funeral. I remember watching out my classroom window as they dug your grave. I remember this boy in my class who wondered who's grave they were digging and saying it was my Gram's and him not believing me until the tears started to flow, oh how did they flow that day. They are flowing now as I write this. You were such a special person, a beautiful women.
Gram, I love you so much and miss you!!! I treasure each time someone tells me I am like you. What a person to be like. Someone who loved her family tremendously.
Your smile, your half finger, your cooking for us, holidays at your house are only a few of the things I miss about you. Oh how I wish the boys would have been able to meet you. What joy they would have brought you and what joy you would have brought them.
I remember that night that dad got the call so vividly. I remember knowing deep down that I wouldn't ever see you again. It was not a good feeling for a little girl to have. I remember waking up the next day, walking home and knowing that the horrible news would be coming from mom's lips. I still can't wait the movie 'Harry and Henderson's' because it was the one that we were watching that night when we got the call.
I remember choosing not to attend your funeral. I remember watching out my classroom window as they dug your grave. I remember this boy in my class who wondered who's grave they were digging and saying it was my Gram's and him not believing me until the tears started to flow, oh how did they flow that day. They are flowing now as I write this. You were such a special person, a beautiful women.
Gram, I love you so much and miss you!!! I treasure each time someone tells me I am like you. What a person to be like. Someone who loved her family tremendously.
Gram, me and Aunt Kath
Thursday, December 2, 2010
When do you know your family is complete?
As you know by reading my profile, I am the mom of two boys. They are 5 and 7 years old. I love their age difference and love the bond they have from that age difference. It's not always an easy thing but it's perfect nonetheless.
What some of you may not know, something that I just don't put out there for everyone to know is I should be the mom of 4. I experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy in Jan of 2002. It was the most horrible experience I've ever had. It really changed who I am and who I wanted to be. It really helped me to draw close to God again.
I had another miscarriage in March of this year. I had just found out I was pregnant when I also started spotting. Two weeks later, it was over and I needed to pick up the pieces and move forward with my life. It was not easy to do and it still affects me to a point. We have been TTC again without really TTC. Let's put it this way we aren't preventing but we're not temping or OPKing or any of that.
I really thought for sure that I was PG this month but alas I'm not.
Several months ago, dh and I talked about how emotional I would get each month when I discovered I wasn't pregnant that month. How I would cry and get my hopes up. He knows how much I want to be, how much I want another child in our life and he does too but he was letting it up to me to decide where to go from here. So we decided (or I decided) we'd try for another couple of months and if nothing happened by the end of the year we were done for a while and I would go on BC.
Now we are down to our last month of trying and boy am I really hoping. December has always been a good month for us when it comes to conceiving. We found out with both boys on New Years Eve/Day so I am hoping.
However, I'm also doubting and wondering when do you know your family is complete? When do you know it's time to give up and stop trying? When is it time to throw in the towel and say forgetaboutit?
Also, how do you ensure that you are letting it all in God's hand? How do you stop worrying and wondering?
I'm trying to let it in God's hands. I'm trying to say, 'Here God it's yours' but I think I keep holding on. I keep saying, 'Sorry God, I can't fully let go and let you' How do I do that? How do I rely on God to make the perfect decision? How do I have complete faith that God knows what he is doing and he has my best interest in hand?
Dear God,
Today I give you my pain, my hurt, my disappointment. I give you the worry of never having another child. I give you the pain that I feel each month when I realize it's not my month. Help me to focus on new and bright things. Help me to focus on you. Give me something new and wonderful to focus on that will take my mind off of what I want and can't/don't have. Help me to forgetaboutit and not to be upset each month. Lord, if you want us to have another child that is ours, please allow it to happen. If you want us to adopt, please allow that to happen. Open new doors, close old doors and help me to move on starting today. God fill me with your promises. The promises that only you can fulfill. Thank you.
In your precious son's name.
Amen
What some of you may not know, something that I just don't put out there for everyone to know is I should be the mom of 4. I experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy in Jan of 2002. It was the most horrible experience I've ever had. It really changed who I am and who I wanted to be. It really helped me to draw close to God again.
I had another miscarriage in March of this year. I had just found out I was pregnant when I also started spotting. Two weeks later, it was over and I needed to pick up the pieces and move forward with my life. It was not easy to do and it still affects me to a point. We have been TTC again without really TTC. Let's put it this way we aren't preventing but we're not temping or OPKing or any of that.
I really thought for sure that I was PG this month but alas I'm not.
Several months ago, dh and I talked about how emotional I would get each month when I discovered I wasn't pregnant that month. How I would cry and get my hopes up. He knows how much I want to be, how much I want another child in our life and he does too but he was letting it up to me to decide where to go from here. So we decided (or I decided) we'd try for another couple of months and if nothing happened by the end of the year we were done for a while and I would go on BC.
Now we are down to our last month of trying and boy am I really hoping. December has always been a good month for us when it comes to conceiving. We found out with both boys on New Years Eve/Day so I am hoping.
However, I'm also doubting and wondering when do you know your family is complete? When do you know it's time to give up and stop trying? When is it time to throw in the towel and say forgetaboutit?
Also, how do you ensure that you are letting it all in God's hand? How do you stop worrying and wondering?
I'm trying to let it in God's hands. I'm trying to say, 'Here God it's yours' but I think I keep holding on. I keep saying, 'Sorry God, I can't fully let go and let you' How do I do that? How do I rely on God to make the perfect decision? How do I have complete faith that God knows what he is doing and he has my best interest in hand?
Dear God,
Today I give you my pain, my hurt, my disappointment. I give you the worry of never having another child. I give you the pain that I feel each month when I realize it's not my month. Help me to focus on new and bright things. Help me to focus on you. Give me something new and wonderful to focus on that will take my mind off of what I want and can't/don't have. Help me to forgetaboutit and not to be upset each month. Lord, if you want us to have another child that is ours, please allow it to happen. If you want us to adopt, please allow that to happen. Open new doors, close old doors and help me to move on starting today. God fill me with your promises. The promises that only you can fulfill. Thank you.
In your precious son's name.
Amen
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Dear God
Dear God,
This sucks. I hate this feeling. I hate that we've been trying for so long and all I get is heartache and failure. I hate that I feel so ungrateful for what you have given me. I hate feeling so low. I hate when I get my hopes up and they all come crashing down around me every month. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!!! And you know what? It sucks.
It seems so many around me are reveling in the joys of pregnancy. Every where I look there is a new announcement. They're all over the place at work. So many happy soon to be moms. They're all around me in real life. Soon to be moms with their bellies swelling, looking radiant and happy.
It sucks that I should be holding a baby right about now. My own little one. It sucks that my boys aren't big brothers. It sucks that they don't know the joy that other kids get to feel of seeing their baby brother or sister smiling up at them. It sucks that my baby was taken from me way too soon.
I know you have a plan for me God. I know there are reasons why things happen, why you took my baby from me so soon after giving him/her to me. I know there are plans for everything but I wanna know that plan. I wanna know if it will ever be my time to announce that we're expecting again.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure each month. I'm just tired God. I need you to let me know it's ok. I need to feel your reassuring touch around me. I wanna know what your will is for me, God. I wanna know, will I ever feel a baby growing in my belly. Will I ever get to feel the sweet kicks, the hiccups, the pains of my belly growing, the joy of being a soon to be mom again. Will I get to bring another child into this world to learn more about you and grow in you?
Should I just give up God? Should I just throw in the towel and realize it's not meant to be? What should I do God? I need your guidance.
I really do want to be happy with those around me who are expecting. There have been so many of them who have struggled to get pregnant, so many who have felt losses just like mine. I want to rejoice with them. I want to be truly happy for them and not just say Congrats with no meaning behind it.
I want to be able to look at a newborn baby and not feel my heart breaking in two because I feel my losses all over again. I want to be able to see a growing belly and not be jealous because mine is fat from fat and not because there is a little one growing in it.
God, I just wanna do your will. What you want me to do. Please show me the way, God. Show me where to go from here. Direct me. Love me. Carry me. Help me to continue to help those who face a loss each and every day. Help me to be a beacon of hope to those around me. Help me to live for you and to show you through what I do and say and write. Help others to see you in everything that I do.
Thank you God.
Amen
This sucks. I hate this feeling. I hate that we've been trying for so long and all I get is heartache and failure. I hate that I feel so ungrateful for what you have given me. I hate feeling so low. I hate when I get my hopes up and they all come crashing down around me every month. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!!! And you know what? It sucks.
It seems so many around me are reveling in the joys of pregnancy. Every where I look there is a new announcement. They're all over the place at work. So many happy soon to be moms. They're all around me in real life. Soon to be moms with their bellies swelling, looking radiant and happy.
It sucks that I should be holding a baby right about now. My own little one. It sucks that my boys aren't big brothers. It sucks that they don't know the joy that other kids get to feel of seeing their baby brother or sister smiling up at them. It sucks that my baby was taken from me way too soon.
I know you have a plan for me God. I know there are reasons why things happen, why you took my baby from me so soon after giving him/her to me. I know there are plans for everything but I wanna know that plan. I wanna know if it will ever be my time to announce that we're expecting again.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure each month. I'm just tired God. I need you to let me know it's ok. I need to feel your reassuring touch around me. I wanna know what your will is for me, God. I wanna know, will I ever feel a baby growing in my belly. Will I ever get to feel the sweet kicks, the hiccups, the pains of my belly growing, the joy of being a soon to be mom again. Will I get to bring another child into this world to learn more about you and grow in you?
Should I just give up God? Should I just throw in the towel and realize it's not meant to be? What should I do God? I need your guidance.
I really do want to be happy with those around me who are expecting. There have been so many of them who have struggled to get pregnant, so many who have felt losses just like mine. I want to rejoice with them. I want to be truly happy for them and not just say Congrats with no meaning behind it.
I want to be able to look at a newborn baby and not feel my heart breaking in two because I feel my losses all over again. I want to be able to see a growing belly and not be jealous because mine is fat from fat and not because there is a little one growing in it.
God, I just wanna do your will. What you want me to do. Please show me the way, God. Show me where to go from here. Direct me. Love me. Carry me. Help me to continue to help those who face a loss each and every day. Help me to be a beacon of hope to those around me. Help me to live for you and to show you through what I do and say and write. Help others to see you in everything that I do.
Thank you God.
Amen
Friday, October 1, 2010
Babies, pregnancies and families
I work for a great social networking site for moms: cafemom.com. I love my job and I love getting to know all the great women from around the country and the world.
I've met some really amazing moms. There is a mom that has 7 kids and is pregnant with her 8th and she's a year younger than me. I'm in awe that she seems so happy and enjoys her kids so much.
I also watch those multiple shows on TLC and of course the Duggars and I love those large families. Growing up I used to tell myself I wanted a large family. I'd take however many children God gave me and I'd be happy with them.
Then I got pregnant in November of 2001. I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait to feel my baby growing and meet my little one. And then the unthinkable happened. I miscarried at 11 weeks. I was devasted. We were told to wait 3 months before TTC again and I needed to get on a form of birth control until then. So I did. After the stroke of midnight on January 1 2003 I found out again that I was expecting. This time I didn't have the true joy that I did with my first one. How can you after experiencing such a huge loss just a year before?
August came and we welcomed our firstborn son into the world. The pregnancy and delivery were great and I really couldn't wait to do it all over again. 2 years later we conceived and again and in August of 2005 we welcomed our second son into the world. I swore after the exhaustion of a toddler and pregnancy then a newborn that I would not do it again.
As Levi grew older we started giving away all of our baby stuff. 2 years later I started to get baby fever. We were in the process of moving so we waited a little longer before TTC. We tried and tried and tried until February of this year when I got that BFP again. This time I knew from that moment I took the test that something wasn't right. My suspicions were confirmed and I ended up miscarrying on March 4. After 2 years of trying, our dream was crashed.
Here we are nearly 7 months later and we are still trying but with no success. I'm getting down, feeling like a failure. Feeling like maybe I will never get to feel that wonderful feel of the movement of a baby in by belly, to anticipate the due date and wondering what we'll have a boy or a girl.
I truly believe it's all in God's timing and it all will work out to His will. I'm trusting in Him that if I'm meant to have another one that it will happen. It's hard though. I often wonder if I say, ya know what God, if I say I will fully trust in your and fully trust that you will only allow me to have as many as you want me to have, I will never go on BC again that maybe, just maybe I will have another child and maybe many more. I'm not sure that my husband would go with me on that though. I also know that God doesn't bargain. I know that by my saying that it doesn't mean I'll conceive again.
So I sit here and try to give my trust to God and have faith that God really does know what he's doing. After all, had I not miscarried in March, I would be due soon and with everything with dh's work I know it would be really rough for him to get time off right now even just for the delivery. So I do see God working. I do see God's hand and I really do trust him.
I've met some really amazing moms. There is a mom that has 7 kids and is pregnant with her 8th and she's a year younger than me. I'm in awe that she seems so happy and enjoys her kids so much.
I also watch those multiple shows on TLC and of course the Duggars and I love those large families. Growing up I used to tell myself I wanted a large family. I'd take however many children God gave me and I'd be happy with them.
Then I got pregnant in November of 2001. I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait to feel my baby growing and meet my little one. And then the unthinkable happened. I miscarried at 11 weeks. I was devasted. We were told to wait 3 months before TTC again and I needed to get on a form of birth control until then. So I did. After the stroke of midnight on January 1 2003 I found out again that I was expecting. This time I didn't have the true joy that I did with my first one. How can you after experiencing such a huge loss just a year before?
August came and we welcomed our firstborn son into the world. The pregnancy and delivery were great and I really couldn't wait to do it all over again. 2 years later we conceived and again and in August of 2005 we welcomed our second son into the world. I swore after the exhaustion of a toddler and pregnancy then a newborn that I would not do it again.
As Levi grew older we started giving away all of our baby stuff. 2 years later I started to get baby fever. We were in the process of moving so we waited a little longer before TTC. We tried and tried and tried until February of this year when I got that BFP again. This time I knew from that moment I took the test that something wasn't right. My suspicions were confirmed and I ended up miscarrying on March 4. After 2 years of trying, our dream was crashed.
Here we are nearly 7 months later and we are still trying but with no success. I'm getting down, feeling like a failure. Feeling like maybe I will never get to feel that wonderful feel of the movement of a baby in by belly, to anticipate the due date and wondering what we'll have a boy or a girl.
I truly believe it's all in God's timing and it all will work out to His will. I'm trusting in Him that if I'm meant to have another one that it will happen. It's hard though. I often wonder if I say, ya know what God, if I say I will fully trust in your and fully trust that you will only allow me to have as many as you want me to have, I will never go on BC again that maybe, just maybe I will have another child and maybe many more. I'm not sure that my husband would go with me on that though. I also know that God doesn't bargain. I know that by my saying that it doesn't mean I'll conceive again.
So I sit here and try to give my trust to God and have faith that God really does know what he's doing. After all, had I not miscarried in March, I would be due soon and with everything with dh's work I know it would be really rough for him to get time off right now even just for the delivery. So I do see God working. I do see God's hand and I really do trust him.
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